zuo xiabing.jpgYu Wan Mei is one of countless Chinese conglomerates whose name means little to outsiders.

But it has grown to be a force to be reckoned with in the amalgamated salvage fishery and polymer injection sector.

Packaging residual aquatic life is how the company got started in 1998 in a humble 230,000 sq ft warehouse in Sichuan.

A decade later, the company has grown to occupy a 300,000 sq ft processing centre.

Yu Wan Mei produces market-leading products such as Yum-E-Freeze eel milk (pictured below), broiled shark gums, the E-Z Go spine extractor, Yu Wan Mei miscellaneous flavour paste and the Yu Wan Mei loyalty bracelet with built-in GPS.

A full list of its innovative product range can be seen here. The company has also expanded beyond its traditional markets into newspaper publishing and real estate speculation in the US.

The company's CEO Zuo Xiabing (pictured above) has a saying “Fish time is success time” and that motto has helped put the company on a solid growth trajectory.

He has another saying, “To extract the entrails, one must first extract his ego”, which perfectly sums up Yu Wan Mei's corporate philosophy.

yuwanmei_eel_milk.jpgA beloved and greatly revered father to each of his 32,000 labourers, he thinks of nothing but triumph and is never occupied with the possibility of failure.

In this task he is aided by an experienced board whose members are always cautious not to act in ways unbefitting the continued harmony of Yu Wan Mei.

Alongside chairman Zhi Pengxue, the board includes Liu Weilong, director of quality control and persuasion, Lin Jianguo, VP of re-acquisitions, Ying Jiexiu, head of international fish liason, Jin Luosong, director of marketing, sales, extraction and extermination, and Ming Wei, who holds the post of regional scapegoat.

If you had not guessed already, Yu Wan Mei is the creation of US satirical magazine The Onion.

For those of us who spend too much time visiting the real-life websites of Chinese corporations, the tortured English, the weird product portflio, the dull-as-dishwater photos and the surreal writing style will all be too familiar — and achingly hilarious.

So too will Yu Wan Wei's long list of subsidiary companies with even longer names, including Shenzhen Liquid Conveyance & Tube, Tian Slag Import & Export, Liwei Superior Apparatus Enterprise, Kei Magong Finest Racehorse Processors, the ominously sounding Children's Adhesives and, my favourite, Makao Gung: The People Pleasers!

I suspect we will be reading a lot more about Yu Wan Wei not least because many citizens in the US are now enjoying Yu Wan Mei fish products. “I love the new exciting taste of the Yu Wan Mei line of products. The deliciousness cannot be contained,” one US consumer told The Onion.

The newspaper has just been acquired by Yu Wan Mei but the change of ownership will not affect the paper's strong record of editorial independence, sources say.

Separately, The Onion reports that a perfectly clean and healthy shipment of Yu Wan Mei Tinned Fish Product, newly arrived from China, was rendered useless by the tainted hands of the US Food and Drug Administration, who are suspected to have inserted melamine into some of the containers.

According to The Onion, the inspectors molested the shipping container on the “corrupt” docks of California and took every effort to “endanger the well-being of America's fish-consuming population.” CEO Zuo Xiabing told The Onion:

The fish product was beautiful when it left our factories. It is no longer that way. I would prefer not to sell it to anyone in this impure condition, but sometimes the desire for fish product is so great that people will buy it no matter the risk.”

In other news, the new Chinese-owned Onion reports that nothing at all happened to 28 Tibetan protesters at a demonstration that did not take place, and the Chinese government is reported to be fair, all-knowing, and wise, propelled by the strength of two billion loyal hands, all pulling together as one under the Great Celestial Bureaucracy high above.

In environmental news, China is celebrating its status as Number One Air Polluter, according to a UN study. Hsu Lan-Ning Chinese ambassor to the US, told The Onion:

It is a very proud day for my country. The labour of the people has made the sky black with the smoke of progress. We are overjoyed. The sky over China is now a rainbow of greys reflecting all the shades of our prosperity.”

In sports, ping pong champion Chao Chen credits his victory to a concentrated diet of nutrient-rich reclaimed fish by-products while Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is universally acknowledged as a beacon of humility and respect.

On the exceedingly rare occasion when he does miss a shot, The Onion reports that Ming no doubt does so on purpose, selflessly ensuring that his lesser American teammates feel better about their own lackluster shooting percentages.

I know that EngagingChina has many readers for whom English is not their first language. For them and for anyone else who does not know The Onion, once again, this post is satirical. IT IS A JOKE. So don't write in complaining that China's skies are blue not grey, FDA insectors don't plant melamine or that Chao Chen does not exist.

More on China food scares in yesterday's (genuine) post.

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